We are all creatures of habit. Many times we are on auto pilot. We take the same route to work everyday. We sleep on the same side of the bed every night.  At the dining room table we sit in the same chair. While being on autopilot allows us to economize and requires less concentration on what we are doing;  it is not always beneficial during challenging times in our relationships.

      Often times, spouses argue about the same subject, in the same way, and many times during the same time of the day. We do it unconsciously. However, unfamiliarity is a wake-up call! Any change in routine, actions, approach, settings or dispute timing, can yield different results. For example:

     Every Friday night after work, Stacy and Keith argued about money. This usually set the tone for an agonizing weekend. This had been going on for months. Keith finally decided to do something different, in hopes of having an enjoyable weekend for a change. Friday night came, and Stacy initiated the usual conversation about money. Keith said, “I would like to talk to you about this, but I would like to wait until Sunday. Is that okay with you?” Astonished by his response, Stacey simply said, “Fine with me.”

     They went out for dinner that night, and for the first time in months, had a great time. On Saturday, they decided to go shopping together for clothing and grocery, and again had a pleasant time. By Sunday, they were enjoying each other’s company so much, that when Stacey brought up the topic of money, they were able to resolve their dissimilarities.  A simple change in time, allowed them to see things from a different perspective; resulting in a solution.    

     My dear friend Jonathan got a little creative in taking my advice to do something different.  He told me this story.

    “A few days ago, my wife Linda and I talked about different ways to solve their marital conflicts. So I suggested that each time we have a fight, we should do it without clothes on; and of course, this would mean no arguing in public places. Two days later, the inevitable happened. We began arguing. So I decided to go for it. While Linda argued I talked back to her and continued stripping. I took off all my clothes. I played with the hair on my chest and rubbed my butt while she continued to argue. Linda found it so distracting that she could not continue. She burst into laughter. ‘You were serious about this, weren’t you?’ She laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. We both laughed and talked until we came to an agreement on more than one thing. Needless to say, Linda could barely keep a straight face in any argument since then. We both just laugh and try to talk about our differences instead of argue.”

     That worked for Jonathan and Linda. Now you need to figure out what would work for you in your marriage. Here are a few ideas:

a)     If you have been soft-spoken and apologetic, then take a strong stand

b)     If you’ve been fiery, then become more patient.

c)      If you’ve been very dependent, start doing the opposite

d)     If you’ve been withdrawn, let your feelings be made known

e)     If you’ve been a drill sergeant about your spouses whereabouts, please to see him/her when they get home, and don’t ask questions about where he/she has been. Or don’t be home when your spouse arrives, or seduce him or her.

Then watch the response.